Monday, August 17, 2009

Do You Have It Together?

I don't. I have been trying to get it together for a long time, but I don't think I ever will. I don't know how people manage to have children they have to care for, plus jobs and other full schedules, on top of running their own lives. I can barely manage my own simple tasks.

I am a perfectionist. In my head. I have been somehow trying to translate it to reality for years, but it doesn't work. I plan to be thin- it doesn't happen. I make budgets- and never look at them again. I spend hours working on planning my schedule- and then I decide the next day that I don't want to do what I planned and chuck the whole thing to do whatever happens to be in my head at the time.

Part of the problem with this lately is that I am not getting my writing done. I have so many ideas and things I want to be working on, but I don't have the time, and when I do, I end up either wasting it or spending it "organizing."

I mean, how many things can I possibly do in one day? I have to work most days. Then there are personal things which I desperately need to do every day, such as spending time with God, exercising, returning messages, prepping for work the next day, and numerous little things that add up to time- lots of time every day. When does it leave time to write and practice guitar, which I have become more serious about lately? It makes for a frustrating life as an artist when you don't get to do your art.

And what about a social life? I want one. I really do. I would love to get married again one day- as long as it's the right one. But right now I feel guilty when I spend time with people in a social situation because it's taking away from my "artistic" time. Seriously, I just don't understand how people live the lives they do.

Maybe someday things will change, and I try to stay positive most of the time. I thank God for the job I have and where I get to live and the apartment I have. I just needed to vent. Thanks for letting me!


  1. Kristi, you just described my life! I understand your need to vent because every now and then I reach the point I have to erupt like a volcano about the whole thing. Then I try to get some perspective and start again. I know it has something to do with when I'm tackling it in my own strength or when it's God running the show--but sometimes it's hard to even figure out how to make that happen. I know when it's something God wants me to get done, it happens somehow.

    It's funny. About two weeks ago I had stressed myself out so much about the very things you mention that I decided I just wasn't going to worry about it for awhile. Not even plan to write or make my jewelry or whatever. It had occurred to me that the busy-ness had also taken my focus off God, in addition to stressing me out. Oddly enough, since deciding that, I've actually gotten some writing done and found some crafting time!

  2. I understand how you feel, Kristi! There are some days that I don't get my prayer/Bible study time in, or my writing time, I'm just busy running around, and yesterday was one of those days. I hope today will be better. It's partly a matter of prioritizing. If I put writing ahead of emailing, then I'll get at least some writing done before I start checking and answering emails. If I put God-time ahead of eating lunch, I'll get both things done (because I love to eat, and I won't forget!) But it is hard. But I think about those women in the old days who had to do everything by hand, cook from scratch, with no refrigerators to store leftovers, so they had to cook every. single. meal. How exhausting!
    Anyhow, it could be worse. :-)